Trigger warning: depression, mental illness, suicidal ideation
I’ve been living with depression for at least 11 or 12 years now. That’s almost half of my life. And it’s a very long time to have been ill.
Here is a poem I wrote about the two different “phases” of my depression: one in which I actively want to die, the other in which I feel that life is terrible but want to stay alive.
Wanting to die was easier
A want can be answered with deliberate denial
No matter whether bravery or masochism,
It was a choice I made
I kept myself alive.
I no longer want to die
But living is harder
Changed from active choice
To something thrust upon me
By outside forces.
Wanting death and pushing it away
This feels like weakness
Taking what I have been given
Want it or not.